


Snuffed Out

by JasmineTeaLatte



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Post-The Last Agni Kai (Avatar), The Last Agni Kai (Avatar), This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Zutara Angst Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:02:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26634052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JasmineTeaLatte/pseuds/JasmineTeaLatte
Summary: Zuko feels himself fading away to nothingness after intercepting the lightning meant for Katara during the last Agni Kai. Before everything goes dark, he reflects on his life with her and what all that could have been... But it will take the death of hope to let her go.Written for the Zutara Angst Challenge. Rated M just to be safe.
Relationships: Katara/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 38





	Snuffed Out

**Author's Note:**

> I fell victim to writer's block for my other two ongoing works (Snowbound and the one focusing on steambaby Izumi), hence why I haven't posted any updates for those in over a week. 
> 
> But then I found out about the Zutara Angst Challenge, and well... I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry for what you're about to read. Hugs and virtual milk/cookies are down in the Notes at the end.
> 
> References some events from my series "Phoenix and Dragon" but takes place in an alternate universe.

_I still press your letters to my lips_  
_And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss_  
_I couldn't face a life without your lights_  
_But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight_

Snuff - Slipknot

* * *

_How did I get here?_

For some reason, darkness surrounded him, and he felt like he was floating on nothing.

Something told him that he should be in agonizing pain, that his entire body had caught fire and burned from the inside out before he had fallen and crashed to the hard, unforgiving ground below.

But surprisingly, he only felt a sense of peace, almost like he was drifting along down a river, its cool waters soothing his aching body.

_Where am I?_

It couldn’t be the Spirit World, he suddenly realized. He had never visited it before, unlike his uncle, whose name and face he couldn’t quite recall at the moment. He had always assumed that world would be far more chaotic, less peaceful, less quiet.

Maybe he was in some other afterlife?

He wasn’t even sure if he was dead or alive anymore, whether he was remembering his life or simply dreaming of things that had never happened or were long over now.

How could he tell, if he didn’t even know where he was or how he’d gotten here to begin with?

Being dead seemed like the likeliest option, he supposed. He certainly felt calm, as if he had accomplished everything he had hoped to in his lifetime.

It hadn’t been an easy or relatively happy life, but he’d done the best with it that he could, all things considered, and although far too brief, by the end he’d even managed to make it count when he saved… he saved…

_Her._

The girl with the shining blue eyes, whose laugh had made his heart flutter every time without fail once they became friends.

_Who was she?_

For some reason he suddenly, almost frantically longed to see _her_ again. She had shown him kindness once, and he all but threw it back in her face, breaking her heart and dissolving what little trust she had in him.

Then their paths joined once more some time later, and he vaguely recalled a reconciliation he had long hoped for, of them bathed in the warm rays of an afternoon sunset as her chin rested in the crook of his neck while they embraced.

“…I _am_ ready to forgive _you_ ,” she had said before she practically threw herself at him, and he'd caught her effortlessly.

It had felt so right, so natural as they held each other, he thought, and his heart had almost burst with happiness at her words and from finally being wrapped up in her arms, however brief it had been.

He could see her face more clearly now, coming into focus through the darkness. 

It was strange, he thought. He couldn’t even recall her name, but he knew that he loved her, enough to lay down his own life if it meant he could save hers.

_Please stay with me..._

Was that her voice? It had to be. She sounded so sad, so absolutely broken, like she was just barely clinging to hope but still fighting with everything she had in a last-ditch effort of defiance against fate.

But he didn’t even know where he was, much less how he could stay with her, no matter how desperately he wanted to.

~*~*~

He saw a lifetime with her now, though once more he wasn’t sure if they were memories or things that never came to pass.

Shivering during his first visit to her homeland – she was born in a village on the frozen tundra, he remembered now, unlike him. He was born in a far more tropical climate, and the first time he saw her, he had steeled himself from shaking due to the bone-chilling coldness.

For some reason he had terrified her and she had hated him, at least in the beginning.

Then they were together in a glowing green cavern, and he had barely tolerated her presence as she yelled at him, though now he couldn’t understand why.

How could he ever have despised her at one point? She was kind and beautiful and strong. He had been an idiot, and she –

 _Katara_. That was her name.

Against all odds, they somehow became friends, and soon after, he had fallen in love with her, he now recalled.

More memories started to resurface, or were they his dreams? But these were so _happy_ now, though, that it didn’t matter.

He saw them dancing together under a brilliant, starry sky surrounded by the orange glow of lanterns and golden flickering candlelight, of fire lilies in her hair and of the salty air surrounding them as they fell asleep in each other’s arms as ocean waves crashed nearby…

…taking her hands in his beside a curtain bearing an emblem that resembled a flame, of how nervous he was as he proposed to her in a voice barely above a whisper, his heart still pounding long after she said _yes, I love you so much, of course I’ll marry you_ …

…of not just one, but two weddings with her – one in the moonlit snow of her village, as snowflakes swirled around them, of him wearing the only red and gold amidst a sea of blues and silvers as her family and friends and tribe cheered them on…

…and the second was in his homeland, and they were surrounded by a massive crowd of crimson and sapphire and emerald and topaz robes, of fireworks afterwards and splendor and riches and golden and silver crowns…

…then years passed, and he saw her tired, euphoric face as she held their firstborn tenderly in her arms before she looked up at him, her brilliant blue eyes shining as they met his. 

“This is your daddy,” she whispered, carefully passing their baby off to him. “He loves you just as much as I do, sweetie. He’ll take good care of you.”

He saw himself delicately cradling his infant daughter – or was it his son, everything was so hazy now – in his arms, and him whispering to his minutes-old child how he already loved them more than life itself and how he’d always protect them.

For some reason, it was imperative that he told his child – and all of his children that he now saw laughing and playing before him, actually – how much he loved them and how proud he was to be their father.

Her lovely face – _Katara_ , he thought, his _wife_ – appeared before him once more, now as an older woman, her hair gray just like his as he wrapped her up in his arms and held her in a long, warm embrace.

“Love you, sweetheart,” he murmured as he kissed her forehead, and it was an old man’s voice who spoke now.

Is that what he would sound like one day? Or was that how he sounded now?

_Stay with me, Zuko, please stay…_

There was her beautiful voice again, and she sounded so young, so scared, so hopeless, like she had finally started to give in to despair.

That must be his name, he realized, yet he had no time to dwell on that.

Everything was starting to _hurt_. It had been gradual, like waves crawling up a shoreline as the tides changed. And then all at once, complete agony hit him as if he’d crashed to the ground below with nothing to cushion his fall.

His body now felt like it was engulfed in flames, and he just wanted the pain to go away.

 _Just make it stop,_ his mind begged, _please_ , he couldn’t take it anymore...

Then he heard her voice again calling to him from somewhere in the darkness, and it was his beacon of hope, a signal fire leading him back to Katara.

But when he tried to follow the sound, it led to even more suffering, and somehow everything hurt even more than before. The closer he got to her voice, the more painful it was.

Why, he wondered, why did he have to endure so much misery to reunite with her? What had happened?

He just wanted to be near Katara, to see her face again, to feel her in his arms and feel her soft lips on his…

But it hurt worse than anything he could have even imagined, and he just wanted it to all end.

He was tempted for a moment to ignore her voice, to drift away back into the cool, comforting nothingness, where there was no more pain, no more suffering, just memories or dreams…

…where there was no _her_.

And like that, he made his choice. Despite the haze of agony clouding his mind, it was the easiest decision he’d ever made in his life.

He had to find some way to get back to her, no matter what. Nothing else mattered in the end, except for Katara.

~*~*~

Zuko’s eyes fluttered open, and he was startled at first to discover that he was still in darkness.

But this was different, he thought, as he blinked at the ceiling. He was alive, somehow, and he appeared to be in his old bedroom in the palace. 

He didn’t quite understand, but something told him that Katara had saved him after he took his sister’s lightning to the heart to protect her.

 _Katara_.

He sat up with some difficulty, groaning, but it was too much for him and he fell back against the pillows, panting.

His chest ached, although decidedly less so now than before, and it was then he realized that he wasn’t alone like he previously thought.

“Take it easy, nephew,” he heard his uncle’s reassuring voice whisper from a chair beside his bed as he held out a glass of water. “Your body is still extremely weak.”

He propped himself up on his elbows and accepted the glass, gulping it down.

“Thank you,” he gasped out, setting the glass on his nightstand. “Uncle, what happened? When did you get here? Where’s Katara? Did Aang win?”

Iroh’s usually warm amber eyes gazed down at him sadly.

“You don’t remember, do you?” he asked.

Zuko shook his head, closing his eyes. He knew deep down that he probably should remember, but for some reason he just couldn’t.

As grateful as he was to see his uncle alive again, the one person he really wanted to see was Katara.

He had to tell her about everything he’d dreamed about, how much he loved her, how he could see himself married to her one day, if she’d have him, and of them growing old together…

“Uncle?” he asked when he realized the old general had stood up and was now standing beside the window, looking up at the moonlight. “The last thing I remember is jumping in front of Azula’s lightning to save Katara. Then I… everything was dark, but I heard her voice calling me back… and then I woke up just now.”

His uncle didn’t answer.

 _Something’s wrong_ , Zuko suddenly thought with a sinking feeling in his gut. Why wouldn’t his uncle look at him?

Iroh sighed before he spoke.

“This isn’t the first time you’ve woken up since then, nephew, nor is this first I’ve said what I’m about to tell you,” he said quietly. “The Avatar survived and succeeded in defeating your father, and the Earth Kingdom was saved from incineration. Your friends – that is, Master Sokka, Miss Suki, and Miss Toph are still recovering but otherwise in good health. Azula forfeited the Agni Kai when… when she attacked Miss Katara, and once you’ve completely healed, you’ll be crowned Fire Lord.”

That didn’t seem so bad, Zuko thought. In fact it seemed like the best-case scenario, all things considered. He would be Fire Lord, and if she said yes, Katara would rule by his side as his wife.

“Well, that’s good news, isn’t it?” he asked, finally pushing himself up to a sitting position with a grunt.

Once again his uncle didn’t answer, and something heavy seemed to settle in Zuko’s stomach as his heart pounded against his ribs.

He had survived enough life or death situations to know better than to panic, that it ultimately did no good, but for some reason he suddenly felt like he was trapped in a cage, with only his uncle for company watching from the outside.

“Zuko,” he heard Iroh say, his voice hoarse now. “When you were asleep just now, did you have any dreams?”

 _What did that have to do with anything_ , he wondered with a frown. He just wanted to see Katara.

Where _was_ she?

So he told his uncle about his dreams, about their first meeting at the South Pole to their encounter in the crystal catacombs to dancing together at the beach house, the night they first kissed.

He then told Iroh of how he proposed to her outside of the throne room and how they got married twice and of him holding their firstborn child in his arms.

When he finished speaking, he tilted his head in confusion as he examined his uncle’s reaction.

Iroh’s eyes were squeezed closed, almost as if he were holding back tears. Then he spoke, and Zuko’s blood ran cold at his next words.

“Nephew… those last dreams, of you proposing and marrying…” he paused, his voice cracking when he continued. “Hold on to them and carry them in your heart for as long as you need to. But one day... you may have to let them go."

 _Why?_ Zuko wondered in bewilderment. Why couldn’t he just find Katara now and propose and make those dreams a reality?

“Uncle…” he began, suddenly feeling bile rising in his throat. “Where’s Katara? If I could just see her –”

He started to crawl out of bed, but his uncle stopped him, shaking his head.

“I’m afraid you can’t do that, nephew,” he choked out, and at last Zuko started to realize the horrible truth.

But that was _impossible_ …

“Uncle...” he said again, fear gripping his heart as Iroh gazed down at him now like a wounded animal in a trap desperate to be put out of its misery. “Just tell me. What happened to Katara? I thought… I thought I saved her.”

The old general closed his eyes again, and after what seemed like an eternity, he slowly shook his head, resting a hand on his nephew’s shoulder.

“You came so close, Zuko,” Iroh said, drawing a ragged breath. “You redirected nearly all of the lightning, but a small fraction of it still got through and struck Katara.”

The silence seemed deafening, and his world started to fracture.

 _No,_ he wanted to scream out, but he suddenly couldn’t speak.

“That’s not… but I saw her fighting Azula after I fell,” he stuttered, and his heart seemed to be lodged in his ribs now. “She was okay, I _saved_ her –”

But Iroh shook his head again, tears escaping from the corners of his eyes at last.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, finally locking eyes with him. “The Fire Sages say she seemed to be fine, at first, but her strength quickly gave out once she trapped Azula and started to heal you. She… she brought you back at the cost of her own life. They don’t think you ever fully regained consciousness before she…”

He couldn’t finish the sentence, instead wrapping his nephew up in a strong embrace.

 _No_ , Zuko thought in a panic as his body started to shake violently and everything else seemed to fade away.

His uncle was lying, it wasn’t true, it couldn’t be…

~*~*~

_“Thank you Katara,” he heard himself whispering as he laid flat on his back against the tiles, her face blurry through his half-closed eyes._

_She wiped the tears streaming down her face as she struggled to speak._

_“I think I’m the one who should be thanking you.”_

_Then her body trembled, and she sighed, as if in exhaustion.  
_

_Katara collapsed beside him with a thud that seemed to reverberate against the tiles, her hand reaching out and clasping his fingertips, squeezing gently._

_“I’m so sorry, Zuko,” she whispered. “I should have told you long before now… I love –”_

_And then her breathing stopped a few moments later, and she was gone, her brilliant blue eyes glazed over and dull forevermore as they looked up at him one last time._

_Her still form seemed to swim in front of him as he blinked back tears, but he lost consciousness before he could even scream out._

~*~*~

He had no trouble screaming out now, though, as the memories came rushing back to him.

Zuko was vaguely aware that his uncle was trying to restrain him, snuffing out the fires all around them, which he must have set in his grief and his rage.

 _No, no, no,_ he tried to roar, but it just came out as a long, pathetic sob instead.

Then the bedroom doors flew open, and more people rushed in, a few physicians and a handful of guards.

They took one look at his despair, and it occurred to him that they didn’t seem the least bit surprised by his actions, as if they’d witnessed this scene many times before. 

“He needs another sedative!” he heard one of the physicians bark out, as two guards helped his uncle hold him down against the bed. “Your highness, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay, but you have to calm down first.”

But how could he be calm, knowing that _she_ was gone, and it was all his fault? He shook his head, trying to avoid the cold, harsh medicine they eventually forced down his throat, and he swallowed in spite of himself.

“Zuko,” he heard his uncle croak nearby. “Please know that we love you, and we’re doing this for your own good. No one blames you for what happened to Miss Katara. You will never be alone, and we are all here for you.”

But _he_ blamed himself, he thought bitterly, which he would continue to do for the rest of his life.

Suddenly he couldn’t bear it; he couldn’t live without her, he didn’t care anymore. _Just make it stop,_ his mind begged once more, just like in his dreams, _please_ , he couldn’t take it, everything hurt too much...

He tried to set fire to something again, anything, even _himself_ if he had to. Maybe it would quell his rage and shame and agony, and some part of his mind decided that dying by self-incineration would hurt far less than knowing it was his fault.

 _He_ was the one who’d killed her with his selfishness and his pride.

But he couldn’t even do that now, he realized as he struggled and failed to move his arms. They’d chi blocked him as well as sedated him, and now he was trapped inside of his own mind until whenever he lost consciousness again.

He couldn’t even cry now, either. The tears that formed behind his eyes never fell, as he found himself staring once more up at the ceiling, unable to move.

If only he had never taunted his sister to release lightning, he thought miserably. If only he’d been just a little faster.

Even if she had survived and somehow chosen a lifetime with Aang over him, that would still hurt less. At least she’d be alive and happy, even if he had to live without her.

The sedative was starting to take hold now, and his vision was growing blurry. From somewhere above him, he heard his uncle speaking with the others in hushed tones.

“General Iroh, it’s been almost a month,” one whispered. “I don’t know what else we can do for him at this point.’

There was a long silence before his uncle sighed.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what to do, either,” he said, his voice overcome with tears.

 _Kill me_ , Zuko thought through the haze of anguish. _Please just kill me, I can’t live without her, I can’t…_

Before he lost consciousness he thought he heard Katara’s voice again, calling to him, thought he saw her smile and her brilliant blue eyes shining up at him like they used to.

But then they were snuffed out as the darkness overtook him once more.

**Author's Note:**

> *Technically* I never said Zuko was dying in the summary, just that he was fading away...
> 
> I know, I know.
> 
> As promised, here are the 🥛 and 🍪🍪🍪 for ripping out your heart and (probably) ruining your day.
> 
> I'm seriously late to the party, but I finally got around to listening to Slipknot's "Snuff" earlier this week, and just... so many emotions. I love their faster, headbanging songs plus a couple of slower ones like "Vermilion Pt. 2" and "Circle" but this one... ugh, my heart. 
> 
> So this is the product of me finally discovering this masterpiece, and once again, I'm so sorry. *Hugs*


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